10 very real teacher ailments and diseases

I can't understand why these aren't in medical journals!

1. Endoftermitis: This disease normally occurs at the end of term but sometimes afflicts teachers at half-term breaks too. Symptoms vary but usually include exhaustion, shattered nerves and a common cold. 

2. OCLD (Obsessive Compulsive Laminating Disorder): Symptoms include an inability to stop oneself from laminating anything in sight. Unfortunately, there is no known cure to date. Symptoms have been known to diminish during holiday periods, however, they tend to flare most at the start of the academic year.

3. IBS (Irritable Brain Syndrome): This occurs when a teacher has had a busy week, has not had a lot of sleep and, therefore, has a reduced ability to tolerate the constant chit-chat, silly questions and health complaints. Symptoms include a raging headache, low-tolerance (particularly for student complaints that stem from hypochondria) and an impossible-to-quench desire for coffee. When this condition is at its worst, sufferers have been known to reverse their motto that "No question is a silly question."

4. Excessive Hoarding Disease: This affliction involves the inability to throw away certain household objects. Sufferers are known to have stashes of bottle tops, empty toilet rolls and yogurt pots hidden around their houses. Side-effects include frequent arguments with their housemates/significant other.

5. Friday Fatigue: An overwhelming feeling of exhaustion that prevents teachers from being able to function as human beings until they have first had a nap.

6. The Sunday Sads: This condition is brought on (on Sunday evenings) by the realisation of how close Monday is and how much they need to do. It is caused by weekend-long procrastination. Symptoms include frequent panic attacks, a sense of crushing doom and, ironically, further procrastination.

7. Anti-hypochondria: This condition occurs when a teacher is genuinely ill but, according to themselves, not ill enough to be absent from school. It arises from the thought construct that being in school ill causes less trouble, work and confusion than staying at home and recovering. 

8. Acute Classroom Paranoia: This condition occurs when a class has a seemingly out-of-the-blue fit of giggling. As the giggling continues, the teacher begins to ask himself/herself several questions such as "Is there a hole in my clothing?" "Do I have a stain in an unusual place?" "Am I wearing mismatching shoes?" When the condition is at its peak, the teacher cannot bear it any more and demands that one of the "goody-two-shoes" students tells them why they are laughing. Unfortunately, if the cause of laughter was due to something embarrassing about the teacher, Acute Classroom Paranoia continues to aggravate them for the rest of the school day.

9. Report-driven Apocalyptic Complex: This illness occurs just before the due date for students' reports. Symptoms include insomniac behaviours, sheer exhaustion and a fear of impending doom. Medical practitioners have noted that, for all patients, the symptoms disappear on the report submission date.

10. Grammar Nazi Disorder: This is a life-long affliction in which sufferers have a very low tolerance for bad grammar produced by adults. Upon encountering this stimulus, sufferers experience the following symptoms: increased heart rate, surges of anger, recurring  thoughts about how one could make such a mistake and a longing to reach for a red pen. Psychologists have observed that sufferers learn to keep their symptoms within and not to react to others. This tendency stems from previous negative experiences of  correcting others.


*clip art in the image from My Cute Graphics and font in the image is Annoying Kettle from Kevin and Amanda